Survivor Guilt

(I found this picture in a breast cancer waiting room)

Another friend of mine was just diagnosed with stage four metastasized cancer.

My best friend just lost her mom to stage 4 lung cancer. A wife of a school friend is stage 4 lung cancer. (We were diagnosed at the same time) and now a girl from my work her breast cancer metastasized to her bones also stage 4.

It makes me so angry! I am sad as well. I mean I feel all messed up inside. I know I am going to get better, one day I will put my cancer behind me and move forward. But these brave people know that stage 4 is it. They know all they can do is buy time. Even though I personally know someone who "beat" stage 4 non-hodgkins lymphoma (10 years in remission)

But the people I am speaking of have told me themselves they KNOW this is it. But they are OK with that. How its all about "quality of life" and such.

Half of me gets angry when I hear this. How can we have a "cure" for my cancer but we don't for this other kinds? When I think this I just want to kick a hole in a door. (its a family thing I think) Then I get sad. These people are loosing, and even though they say they are OK with it, how can they be REALLY? I just don't understand that.

I have a cold right now. Regular run of the mill rhino virus. Yea I feel like crap but I'll heal. These women clean their houses cook the meals, one is working part time. It just blows my mind.

Perhaps this is why God gave me the cancer he did, if I had anything worse, I think I would have just rolled over and died. Why fight? Who knows.

What I do know is that God never gives you anymore than what you are able to handle. Honestly I wouldn't have been able to do any more than I did. It took all I had to do it as it is.

I feel horrible that I am getting better and that these strong women whom I admire are just going to die. Yes, I know I too, will die one day, and even possibly before they do, but I am not consciously aware with every breath that I am on the road to death.

Perhaps it is something diffrent in the way we think, or perhaps its the adjustment to the cancer we had to deal with. I dont know.

My family says that I have more empathy than most. That I take this news to personally. I don't know. What I do know though is cancer isnt fair, and I sincerely pray that one day the whole blasted disease is out witted. Or perhaps, they just have a better grasp on the above caption better than I do?