A post from "Negative Nelly"

Most everyone knows that I was told the Cancer is gone. Most everyone knows that i have to wait 9 weeks to have my next scan to make certain that my lymph nodes don't swell back up without any treatment.

If they were to do just that it would mean another whole round of chemotherapy. My chances of this happening? according to my doctors (all three of them) say not to worry its so slim. The chances are so few.

Basically I feel like I have dodged that bullet. I mean worse for worse ok so six more months of this same garbage. I have been through that treatment i know what to expect. OK i can sit around and wait to see if we have to do it again.

But I also am looking at my thyroid. a 1cm "spot" on the left lobe, and i just had a scan of that. so I'm holding my breath that this isn't cancer too.

Treatment for thyroid cancer? I am pretty certain its just remove the thyroid. My doctors all feel even if its cancer the procedure is so easy and treatment is so easy and my chances are so slim....

I am sick of hearing my chances are so slim....

I feel like i just get close to being free of this and there's something else holding me back. OH well. Stress is what it is. and we did wait untill now to check my thyroid (we found this in july) untill now because the stress from the chemo was all i could take and honestly, the only thing bad about waiting now is i am jsut kicking back thinking "do i have cancer"...

I will have to get something new to focus on.

I think I missed Something

I have had a turn of events in my personal life, and I'm gonna go into it a wee bit here today. More than anything to clarify it with myself and to document it for me. Maybe so this time I will remember it. Maybe you can learn from my stupidity.

Back when I first was diagnosed, I posted "Why does God allow this?"
If you read over this post you will see how I learned to re organize my priorities around my Dad, and how I felt a little lost. I was going to work on it. I don't know that I have worked too much on it probably because I have been busy being sick and getting better than to actually look into it. But lately I have been looking around and doing the WTH?


The friends I have had for ten years are not here. Where did they go? I don't know. I only know when my friend had a family crisis I was right there with them every step of the way. I helped with the care of a friend's mother while she was terminal with cancer. It wasn't a daily thing but I called once a week just to see if anything was needed. I helped with my friend's cleaning, yard work, child care. What happened to pay it forward? I thought if you helped a friend they in turn helped you? I have received 1 phone call since I have been sick from these same "friends"

I can now see 6 months since diagnosis, that these people are not my friends.

I thought by chance that my family might have something to learn, but I really thought that anything they might have to learn would have already been learned. Now after 6 months I can also see that they have learned all they will. My having Cancer changes nothing in my family. Those of us that were close are still close maybe closer but I also know that after this crisis has passed and life goes back to a semblance of normality, I wont have time for day to day phone calls and there will be some more distance, but that wont change the actual bonds.

For those relationships that have always have been a bit strained, they will remain that way. Because no matter how much you want a nice tight bond with another person, if you are the only one working at it it goes to hell.

What I have also learned is that just because someone depends on you, that does not mean they need you in their life. What they need is not you, they need someone to DO those things for them. If they only call you to watch their dogs while they go on vacation, and you always do it, even though this is the only guaranteed call to get in a year, then chances are they don't want to talk to you they just need a free dog sitter and you are just needy enough and gullible enough to not see you are being used.

I have some family like that as well. How you can tell is "can you do something for me" I used to be like that. I only called my sister when I needed a recipe or something. She will tell you that I call for a lot more stuff now, advice, a shoulder to cry on, and quite often a big helping of "wake the hell up" Sometimes I think she like this one the best! LOL except it seems to be the same lecture over and over. But I will come back for it until it sinks in. Here you go Sue! the last batch, its sinking in. I don't like the taste but I'll eat it anyhow.

We have done this before, She gives the best advice, I just am a hard learner. or would that be stubborn? anyhow I love her cuz shes good at dealing with me. Not many in this world are. oh and also cuz shes my sister and she still torments me like a big sister should. Off topic for a second just so I never forget this, last week in Joanne's fabrics she lost me on purpose so she could stay two steps behind me and watch me look for her LOL Yep shes my big sister. love you Sue

But what she will also tell you is I am a VERY needy person. That makes me a very vulnerable person to getting taken of advantage of. We have no clue why I am this way , but its a personality thing, I mean shes NOT. We are polar opposites. I guess that s why many of my friends have been like those described as above. I wanted so badly to be their friends but they didn't really need friends, they needed someone to depend on, and that's one thing I am is loyal. I guess loyal to a fault once you have my loyalty it takes a lot of dumping on me, just to get me to realize I have been dumped upon.

OK so how do I fix this? I can't change or rather wont change the whole loyalty thing because that is a trait I value. Because in a friend I want loyalty. I need to screen my friends better. I have three friends that I still have since high school. Two live away, one is local.


The local one and I get together when ever we can. and there are times we have had to "put it on hold" due to situations. ex: he dated a girl for a while that didn't understand how close we were, and I don't think she was too keen on our "hug hellos" so without discussing it those hellos got changed and our contact (i cant call it strained) but it lightened up while she was dating him. I had seen it before and i knew it wouldn't last because he couldn't be himself. I knew it wouldn't do any good to tell him this girl wasn't right for him, so I just sat back and waited I knew he would tell me it was over. and he did. He is dating a great girl now that "gets" us. He can be himself, and I gained another friend though him in her now. We talk nearly once a week and we have a lot in common.

Maybe that's why its easier now to cut some baggage? I have met more people through my illness are they friends? Maybe? I guess I have to let them be a step above acquaintances until I can get the chance to get to know them better.

Face book has helped with that. You can learn a lot about a person by what they post on face book. Are they too negative? Will they drag you down? Do they party too much for your blood? A good friendship like any relationship needs to be a good match. I didn't realize that. Its different as an adult than it was in school. You were put into groups by your classes. common ground. The only groups you have as an adult unless you join a hobby group, is work. Work friends aren't the best kind, some are good you can sometimes find common ground.

So I need to take my time not rush into anything and get to know people at an arms length first.

That I can do.

This is what God has shown me through my illness:

1. My friends aren't my friends.
2. You cant make people like you just because you help them.
3. Family isn't friends. They are family and that's JUST not the same.
4. Don't become dependent on your friends until you know they are dependable
5. Being sick changes ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
6. Friends are your friends because of who you are not what you can do.
   
7. or what you have/own

I am thankful I had the chance to learn this. Maybe this will make me a better friend. I hope my false friends learn this too.

What NOT to say to a cancer patient

Recently I had a very insensitive comment made to me. I do not think that it was intentional. But really the words came out of her mouth, and she said it directly to me so I guess she meant to say it.

This has given rise to this blog post. I know that many people have the best of intentions while doing these things I am about to list. but let me tell you right now they dont help, they can even emotionally hurt the person you are trying to support. it can also lead to frustration by the patient because they are getting bombarded by this from many diffrent directions with no polite way of saying to the "support" person:

"that was THE most insensitive thing that has ever been said to me"


So if you would like to know what not to say/ do READ ON!

Please do not say...

"it wasn't the cancer that killed my father it was the Chemo"
This is the phrase that actually brought about this post.

what is wrong with saying this? OK for anyone that doesn't know this is wrong heres why...

You basically said Chemo doesn't work. I know I personally would not be alive today without Chemotherapy. So I can tell you it does.

It is negative. Although I am sad that your father lost his fight with cancer, this knowledge does nothing for helping me believe that I will live to conquer mine.

Dont forget you do not know how I am feeling that day perhaps even though I am out and about, that does not necessarily mean I feel all roses and sunshine. perhaps I feel like this last chemo treatment is gonna kill me because my bones hurt so bad. and even if you ask perhaps I dont want to tell you that I feel like doggie poo.

What else should you not do?

Don't compare my cancer with your cancer or your fathers cancer or your mothers cancer. Cancer is not chocolate chips. They aren't all the same. they feel different they grow different the treatments are different the only thing that is the same is the word CANCER. The radiation your Aunt Sophie got for her 1 cm lumpectomy, is way different than my friend Cynthia has been getting for her bone cancer. Aunt Sophie can still go to work every day, My friend Cindy can hardly get out of bed. See? not the same and its an insult to lump it all together like that.


what else not to do?

Don't send cancer forwards.

I cant tell you how many of these I delete in a day. I do not even read them. I do not need to have the it thrown in my face every day that I have cancer. the lack of hair does that quite nicely thank you. I don't need 27 copies of the same forward from 27 of my friends.

And as long as i brought hair up lets visit there for a second or so shall we?

don't say "it grows back" No kidding? Really? its not you who had a handfull of hair come out during an episode of House was it? has this happened to you? it hasn't ? then you have NO CLUE what that feels like so shut up. and dont stare. yea we have on a bandanna its COLD without hair the looks of "oh she must be sick" are awful. try not to do it. I know its hard but mind your own business i am just trying to buy some groceries.

OH and one more thing as long as i am on hair... and this came from the "queen of sensitivity" and Yes if you read this the comment did hurt and i think you know it.

"I like you better bald" well i dont people stare at you, its cold without hair, and WHY would anyone say this? you can say "you know your have a great head" which i can say now I do, its round... but dont say i like you better without hair thats just rude.

and that's what everything comes down to don't be rude and think before you talk. how would you feel if this was you? be KIND be nice.

DISCLAIMER:
I also want to point out for the record that I am not above saying and doing stupid stuff. I have been accused of not having a filter between my brain and my mouth. This is merely a guideline try your best because that is what we all have to do. And well if you feel like calling me up and saying "that post was the pot calling the kettle black" I probably wont deny it ;-P