Barb's Gift

I went to the relay for life this year alone. My "diagnosis buddy" Barb passed away last August. So things are kinda "off" But I came away with a renewed sense of self with some new goals. and once again she has renewed my spirit.

Barb at the Catskills

I have trouble remembering being sick. or rather having cancer. It feels kinda surreal. almost dream like until i get to relay, then I remember What i remember isn't nice. feeling horrible all the time, not wanting to go to my treatments missing my long wonderful hair. I remember being very angry Angry at the world angry at cancer angry at God and also angry at Barb. she would take a treatment and go on vacation. I would take my treatment the same day and VOMIT for three days. i felt so horrible and i couldn't understand WHY her chemo made her feel great and mine made me feel like old dog poo. one day she explained it. My ABVD would save my life. hers would only prolong her life. she said she wasn't looking for a cure, she was looking for LIFE. as many days as she could squeeze in. and one day those treatments would stop just like one day my treatments would be over. when mine were over i would have the greatest gift of all LIFE. She also would have a great gift to go and be with God.

Barb's Luminary

She said to me... i know you feel like crap, this thing, it sucks. But you get to LIVE beyond what i get to.  One day I will be gone and YOU will go to the catskills.  NOW is the only time i have. Krista, live for NOW. Dont let things like how fast the driver in front of you is going bother you. you might get there 3 mins faster, instead of wasting that 3 mins by fussing over how fast that jerk is going,  use that 3 mins to look out the window, see a bird flying, visit more intensely with your passenger. same with waiting in line at the deli. Do you have somewhere to be? then take your time to LIVE. because none of use will get out of this life alive. its just at different times. why do you have to wait till stage 4? do it now while you can enjoy it. 

What Barb gave me

She was right, I may never go to the Catskills, But i do have a life and i may forget that cancer ever graced my doorstep. But i wont ever forget Barb and how she taught me how to live, really live. I may still spend too much time on facebook, and i may still complain about the driver in front of me. But when i do i feel her hand touch mine and hear her say "Did you see the bird?