What NOT to say to a cancer patient

Recently I had a very insensitive comment made to me. I do not think that it was intentional. But really the words came out of her mouth, and she said it directly to me so I guess she meant to say it.

This has given rise to this blog post. I know that many people have the best of intentions while doing these things I am about to list. but let me tell you right now they dont help, they can even emotionally hurt the person you are trying to support. it can also lead to frustration by the patient because they are getting bombarded by this from many diffrent directions with no polite way of saying to the "support" person:

"that was THE most insensitive thing that has ever been said to me"


So if you would like to know what not to say/ do READ ON!

Please do not say...

"it wasn't the cancer that killed my father it was the Chemo"
This is the phrase that actually brought about this post.

what is wrong with saying this? OK for anyone that doesn't know this is wrong heres why...

You basically said Chemo doesn't work. I know I personally would not be alive today without Chemotherapy. So I can tell you it does.

It is negative. Although I am sad that your father lost his fight with cancer, this knowledge does nothing for helping me believe that I will live to conquer mine.

Dont forget you do not know how I am feeling that day perhaps even though I am out and about, that does not necessarily mean I feel all roses and sunshine. perhaps I feel like this last chemo treatment is gonna kill me because my bones hurt so bad. and even if you ask perhaps I dont want to tell you that I feel like doggie poo.

What else should you not do?

Don't compare my cancer with your cancer or your fathers cancer or your mothers cancer. Cancer is not chocolate chips. They aren't all the same. they feel different they grow different the treatments are different the only thing that is the same is the word CANCER. The radiation your Aunt Sophie got for her 1 cm lumpectomy, is way different than my friend Cynthia has been getting for her bone cancer. Aunt Sophie can still go to work every day, My friend Cindy can hardly get out of bed. See? not the same and its an insult to lump it all together like that.


what else not to do?

Don't send cancer forwards.

I cant tell you how many of these I delete in a day. I do not even read them. I do not need to have the it thrown in my face every day that I have cancer. the lack of hair does that quite nicely thank you. I don't need 27 copies of the same forward from 27 of my friends.

And as long as i brought hair up lets visit there for a second or so shall we?

don't say "it grows back" No kidding? Really? its not you who had a handfull of hair come out during an episode of House was it? has this happened to you? it hasn't ? then you have NO CLUE what that feels like so shut up. and dont stare. yea we have on a bandanna its COLD without hair the looks of "oh she must be sick" are awful. try not to do it. I know its hard but mind your own business i am just trying to buy some groceries.

OH and one more thing as long as i am on hair... and this came from the "queen of sensitivity" and Yes if you read this the comment did hurt and i think you know it.

"I like you better bald" well i dont people stare at you, its cold without hair, and WHY would anyone say this? you can say "you know your have a great head" which i can say now I do, its round... but dont say i like you better without hair thats just rude.

and that's what everything comes down to don't be rude and think before you talk. how would you feel if this was you? be KIND be nice.

DISCLAIMER:
I also want to point out for the record that I am not above saying and doing stupid stuff. I have been accused of not having a filter between my brain and my mouth. This is merely a guideline try your best because that is what we all have to do. And well if you feel like calling me up and saying "that post was the pot calling the kettle black" I probably wont deny it ;-P