reflections

Today is discovery date. two years ago today I was told that i had a tumor in my chest. that was what was causing me to cough and be unable to breathe.

I would LOVE to say that it was the scariest day of my life. But it wasn't. I heard them tell me, but i didn't hear anything.

it was nearly a month and a half before i REALLY understood. Shock works like that. it wasn't until after i was fully into treatment that i realised that i had CANCER, i was having CHEMO. life was forever different.

two years after the fact what is still here?

My cough. I KNOW i will have this forever. i breathe OK, but i still have phlegm. i still cough every AM until i vomit. am i sick of it? hells yea. But now its just a way of life. there are days that i pass with out doing it. but mostly i "look forward" to it. I breathe so much better those days.

My fears. I am still really afraid. afraid that it will come back. everyone has told me that if it were to come back it would be here now. but there is a small percentage that says due to my age, it wont for 20 years. 20 years sounds like a really long time doesn't it? but now with Matt on the way, that's just repeating history isn't it? Matt as a senior in high school with a mom going through cancer treatment. yea that scares me. even though Michelle and i are both really grateful for that time, we became really close during my illness, i would like to get though the rest of my life without it every coming back.

scars and stitches. I have stitches from having my port removed that are still there. and i have the scars of course. people see the scars, and they ask. "oh god what happened there?" the scar isn't huge nor is it visible (hugely) but the look on a new Friends face when i have to go through the "oh that's a scar from my biopsy when i was diagnosed" its just a conversation that i dislike having. I much better like saying i go to relay for life. and leave out all the cancer survivor stuff.

people treat you different when you have "survived" now don't get me wrong. surviving is way better than not, but its also a club i don't want to belong to. never did want to belong to it. but i do. i don't like people to treat me with "kid gloves" I don't like assumptions i cant do something, now sure there are things i cant do. but that's up to me to decide, not up to the other person. (this makes my daughter crazy) I don't want you to tell me what i cant do, but if i say i cant do it, i want you to be understanding of it.

What cant i do? well probably walking Watkins glen, or the turkey path is part of my past. stair walking is still too hard. i simply cannot breathe well enough. if the coughing subsides, then perhaps. so maybe in the future. after all its only been a year + since i completed my radiation. and the radiation is what was hardest on my lungs.

I cant shop all day either. my check book appreciates that.

Now there is a very good chance, that if i weren't in my 9th month of pregnancy perhaps I would feel a whole lot better. how about i give it a year and get back w/ you?