I think I missed Something

I have had a turn of events in my personal life, and I'm gonna go into it a wee bit here today. More than anything to clarify it with myself and to document it for me. Maybe so this time I will remember it. Maybe you can learn from my stupidity.

Back when I first was diagnosed, I posted "Why does God allow this?"
If you read over this post you will see how I learned to re organize my priorities around my Dad, and how I felt a little lost. I was going to work on it. I don't know that I have worked too much on it probably because I have been busy being sick and getting better than to actually look into it. But lately I have been looking around and doing the WTH?


The friends I have had for ten years are not here. Where did they go? I don't know. I only know when my friend had a family crisis I was right there with them every step of the way. I helped with the care of a friend's mother while she was terminal with cancer. It wasn't a daily thing but I called once a week just to see if anything was needed. I helped with my friend's cleaning, yard work, child care. What happened to pay it forward? I thought if you helped a friend they in turn helped you? I have received 1 phone call since I have been sick from these same "friends"

I can now see 6 months since diagnosis, that these people are not my friends.

I thought by chance that my family might have something to learn, but I really thought that anything they might have to learn would have already been learned. Now after 6 months I can also see that they have learned all they will. My having Cancer changes nothing in my family. Those of us that were close are still close maybe closer but I also know that after this crisis has passed and life goes back to a semblance of normality, I wont have time for day to day phone calls and there will be some more distance, but that wont change the actual bonds.

For those relationships that have always have been a bit strained, they will remain that way. Because no matter how much you want a nice tight bond with another person, if you are the only one working at it it goes to hell.

What I have also learned is that just because someone depends on you, that does not mean they need you in their life. What they need is not you, they need someone to DO those things for them. If they only call you to watch their dogs while they go on vacation, and you always do it, even though this is the only guaranteed call to get in a year, then chances are they don't want to talk to you they just need a free dog sitter and you are just needy enough and gullible enough to not see you are being used.

I have some family like that as well. How you can tell is "can you do something for me" I used to be like that. I only called my sister when I needed a recipe or something. She will tell you that I call for a lot more stuff now, advice, a shoulder to cry on, and quite often a big helping of "wake the hell up" Sometimes I think she like this one the best! LOL except it seems to be the same lecture over and over. But I will come back for it until it sinks in. Here you go Sue! the last batch, its sinking in. I don't like the taste but I'll eat it anyhow.

We have done this before, She gives the best advice, I just am a hard learner. or would that be stubborn? anyhow I love her cuz shes good at dealing with me. Not many in this world are. oh and also cuz shes my sister and she still torments me like a big sister should. Off topic for a second just so I never forget this, last week in Joanne's fabrics she lost me on purpose so she could stay two steps behind me and watch me look for her LOL Yep shes my big sister. love you Sue

But what she will also tell you is I am a VERY needy person. That makes me a very vulnerable person to getting taken of advantage of. We have no clue why I am this way , but its a personality thing, I mean shes NOT. We are polar opposites. I guess that s why many of my friends have been like those described as above. I wanted so badly to be their friends but they didn't really need friends, they needed someone to depend on, and that's one thing I am is loyal. I guess loyal to a fault once you have my loyalty it takes a lot of dumping on me, just to get me to realize I have been dumped upon.

OK so how do I fix this? I can't change or rather wont change the whole loyalty thing because that is a trait I value. Because in a friend I want loyalty. I need to screen my friends better. I have three friends that I still have since high school. Two live away, one is local.


The local one and I get together when ever we can. and there are times we have had to "put it on hold" due to situations. ex: he dated a girl for a while that didn't understand how close we were, and I don't think she was too keen on our "hug hellos" so without discussing it those hellos got changed and our contact (i cant call it strained) but it lightened up while she was dating him. I had seen it before and i knew it wouldn't last because he couldn't be himself. I knew it wouldn't do any good to tell him this girl wasn't right for him, so I just sat back and waited I knew he would tell me it was over. and he did. He is dating a great girl now that "gets" us. He can be himself, and I gained another friend though him in her now. We talk nearly once a week and we have a lot in common.

Maybe that's why its easier now to cut some baggage? I have met more people through my illness are they friends? Maybe? I guess I have to let them be a step above acquaintances until I can get the chance to get to know them better.

Face book has helped with that. You can learn a lot about a person by what they post on face book. Are they too negative? Will they drag you down? Do they party too much for your blood? A good friendship like any relationship needs to be a good match. I didn't realize that. Its different as an adult than it was in school. You were put into groups by your classes. common ground. The only groups you have as an adult unless you join a hobby group, is work. Work friends aren't the best kind, some are good you can sometimes find common ground.

So I need to take my time not rush into anything and get to know people at an arms length first.

That I can do.

This is what God has shown me through my illness:

1. My friends aren't my friends.
2. You cant make people like you just because you help them.
3. Family isn't friends. They are family and that's JUST not the same.
4. Don't become dependent on your friends until you know they are dependable
5. Being sick changes ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
6. Friends are your friends because of who you are not what you can do.
   
7. or what you have/own

I am thankful I had the chance to learn this. Maybe this will make me a better friend. I hope my false friends learn this too.