This is why I fought for my life

I am scraping Friday favorites today because....

I need to share something, and I feel this is the place I need to share it.

When My daughter was born, It was a bad delivery and I nearly died. I personally feel I was very close to death much closer that even the doctors knew.

I closed my eyes at one point and I suddenly felt very warm. It was dark. I felt like someone had wrapped me in a quilt fresh out of a dryer, and the warmth from that quilt conveyed an emotion. That emotion was love. But no love I had ever experienced on earth before, either before this or since. It felt PURE for lack of a better word honest maybe even holy.

I then saw a light. I had forgotten this until a week ago, (a small bunny trail here but I'll get back to it) I was up in the middle of the night to pee, and it was foggy out my bathroom window, the neighbor up the road has a flood light, that normally lights up EVERYTHING but not on this night it was a speck of light in a world of darkness you nearly had to strain to see it, and as I stood looking out the window an image came back to my mind, the darkness from Michelle's delivery, and a single thought "Hey that looks just like the light to God!"

I NEVER remembered this light until last week but I knew that memory when I had it. Its not something I conjured.

After the "quilt of love" as I like to think of it I heard my husband call to me from what sounded like MILES away. "Honey come back here you have to help me raise her, I can't do it on my own" I turned (what I thought was mentally but now after last week I realized I turned from the light) and opened my eyes.

I needed a transfusion.

That was back in 1992, HIV was on everyone's mind. At the time you were told that could contract HIV and not "Full Blow" for 17 years. When I signed consent for my transfusion, I prayed to God and told him If I could have those 17 years, to watch my Baby girl grow up I would be happy with that. So I lived to Raise my beautiful baby girl.

{Michelle and I, she's not even a month old }

Fast forward to October 9th 2007. This is the day I lost my father. I had spent ten years living next door, and two years actively there nearly daily doing this or that, and eight months there daily caring for him. Daddy went to be with God that morning, and my world fell apart. I wanted to die. I missed him so much. I still do. It takes absolutely nothing to bring me to tears over his passing. I don't share that often. and I don't know how many readers I actually have, so I guess I don't know how many people I am sharing this with now. But I feel it is time to share this so I will.

I didn't want to live after he died. my world was dark and bleak. Nothing I tried to do fixed that I read books on grief, went to counselors. You name it I tried it everything I saw or was told said "this is normal"

{Daddy and I after a girl scout ceremony when I was 10}

Seven months after his passing, I had a dream. It helped me so much. I posted this on my My space blog simply so I would never forget it. I have transferred it here so you can read it because it was a life changing part of my grief. I will have more post after so keep reading.....

4/28/08 Dream of heaven???

OK this was a dream I had the other night, the more I think of it the dimmer it gets and I don't want to forget it so I am going to write it down here. If this was something my subconscious cooked up fine I can deal with this, was it a vision sent to me from heaven itself? I'm fine w/ that as well after all I wouldn't have been the first to see something from God in a dream now would I?

Things I have figured out on my own I will put in brackets like {this}

Ok here it is:

I am with my dad and we are talking. {I cant remember about what now but I do remember that I knew at the time} he is showing me around a city {it is very large} the buildings are very tall 6 + stories high, we aren't on the street, its more like we are 3 stories up. We are moving almost like driving a car {in the dream I think to myself}but this cant be right because cars drive on the ground, wait I don't see a car! {then I get scared} and suddenly a car interior materialized around us. {then I'm not scared any more but I am bothered that Daddy is in the driver seat, he hasn't driven in YEARS}

So I say to him "Daddy should you be driving?" and he looks over at me, {and you know he looks really GOOD almost young but yet not, its odd he just didn't look FRAIL} and he snorts in a way he had and said "I can drive just fine!"

So I relax and he started telling me what these buildings are. "This one is where we eat, this is a museum I haven't been there yet but I want to go"

While he was talking I did what most kids do I stopped listening, and looked out the window.

The buildings were very large and very WHITE. There were large glass windows that were CLEAN. As a matter of fact every thing looked incredibly clean. Now I have white and clean in bold and caps because these were the whitest cleanest buildings I have ever seen in my life not so much as a water spot. The white I cannot even express the white its not white its almost a whole different color because white does not properly describe it. a freshly painted white line on a road at night is not white enough I cannot tell you how white.

Now about this time I heard him tell me that it was "really nice" and he hadn't gotten to see it all but he would.

and he smiled at me, then I woke up.

dream or vision doesn't matter it felt good to hear his voice and to see him smile.

...... So as you can see, I know heaven exists I have felt it, and through my dream I have seen it.

So in May when I was diagnosed with Cancer I felt well that's my 17 years I asked God to give me. and going to be with God would end this horrible grief for me. I felt God was calling in a debt. I was OK with that. But I could see that my daughter wasn't ready to loose another parent. Nor was my husband ready to be on his own without me.

So I started to pray. God always seems to send me to the internet for my answers... I don't know why but he had me research my disease. Curable over and over again. Curable; cancer curable. unreal, cancer didn't get cured it goes into REMISSION then it comes back and kills you. Or if you are lucky you get another remission then it kills you.

But not this cancer... CURABLE 6 month course of chemo every 2 weeks for a cure. Certainly if God wanted me to die he could get more creative than a curable cancer don't you think? car accident, stroke, heart attack... its not like I have taken good care of my body or that drove safely....

So that must mean God wants me to live. Then why have cancer to begin with? Because someone needs this, or needs this story I think. or needs this to get through their cancer maybe I think. or maybe there was something I was to learn along the way. I am working on that...

Well now I guess its back to prayer... I don't know what God want me to do now. yea I still have radiation and stuff to do to finish up this chapter in my life, but what does God what me to do with the Gift he has given me? after all I never expected more than the 17 years I asked for.

OK God I am ready what do you want me to do now? let me know.... you know how to reach me